


The Talk

by FairyNiamh



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Merry Month of Masturbation Challenge, Merry Month of Masturbation Challenge 2015, Mild Sexual Content, Some Humor, The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-04-01 05:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4006744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FairyNiamh/pseuds/FairyNiamh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Madame Pomfrey hated this time of year. Still, it was a needed talk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Talk

"Masturbation is a healthy form of sexual relief," Madame Pomfrey said from her raised platform. "However, I must stress that you do _not_ use your wand as a sexual aid. Every year, without fail, we have to rush a curious student off to St. Mungo's for treatment. Please, do not let that be, any of you. Now, do you have any questions?"

Everyone was surprised when Hermione raised her hand… said no one ever. "Yes, Miss Granger?"

"Why is it against the rules to enchant a muggle device to help us in our early sexual exploration?"

"Because children are not known for being very astute during this period; and the item can become lodged inside of your orifices or it could rupture your internal organs. Yes, there has been a trip to St. Mungo's for just an occasion."

"Enchanting a muggle artifact is _against the law_. No matter, that some wizards routinely break the law. As well, you know Miss Granger. Now are there any serious questions?" Snape said from the far side of the room.

"If we don’t enchant them, may we bring the…"

"Certainly not, the temptation would be far too great," Professor McGonagall, said primly.

"Are there any wizarding sexual… aides?" Harry asked timidly.

"Sure, my brother's…" Ron started.

"I think it's time to wrap up this discussion. Girls, if you have any further questions, please direct them to Professor McGonagall, boys please direct your inquiries toward Professor Snape." A frazzled Madame Pomfrey called out over the noise.

"Professor Snape could you…" Harry started again.

"All inquiries are to be made during your guidance… teacher's office hours. Please go, and try not to cause mischief," Pomfrey stated calmly as she watched this children leave the room. Before rounding on Dumbledore. "Next year I request a Trained Medi-wizard to do these talks. You've had your fun, you dirty old man. Now let us try to get on with a somewhat normal school life."

~fin~


End file.
